Yes sayang.

Isi hati tu dah terbaca dan terpublish pun.

Lain kali cuba straight to the point. Tak payah susah-susah nak masuk simpang sana sini. Masa tanya depan-depan, the usual answer will be..

: Orang tak kisahhhhh.

Ohh.. Tak kisah.

I pun tak kisah. Tapi for the current moment. Rasa adalah kurang ye.

You see..

In this 4 years plus, two (then three) of us, never get really apart. Maksud I, I pergi kelas, balik kelas. Then melekat with the husband. We're much like a dating couple except we're already nikah. Sampailah mengandung and dapat the kecik, still, kemana-mana, bertiga. So, am getting used of it.

I would like my future kid(s) (if any), feel the same experience like the kecik. Our first one. Even the husband busy with the business, ke hulu hilir, utara selatan timur barat, the kecik and me always be with him. You nak pergi utara? Okay. Two of us will follow. Selatan? No hal. Timur? Lagi la no hal. Boleh balik rumah.

Even lepak at office tu adalah benda biasa. Clingy? No. I just love be with the husband. My better half. Kalau boleh masuk bawah under arms tu, dah lama I melekat kat situ. Dengan the kecik sekali join.

Dulu I pernah kata, am afraid of bahagi-bahagi of kasih sayang. Yes. I really do. Fear of nothing, perhaps? Hoping so.. Tapi I know myself better. And I rasa, most of human being memang akan rasa macam ni kott..

Examples.

You ada 2 orang anak.

Boy/Girl

Mesti la kita rasa sayang and special at each of the kid as yang tu boy, yang tu girl. Yang tu our first baby, and the other one, our last baby.

3 orang anak.

2 boys/1 girl or 1 boy/2 girls

Anak yang sulung tak kira boy/girl adalah special sebab tu adalah the first one. Especially if tu anak lelaki. Penyambung keturunan orang kata? Anak lelaki/perempuan yang kedua adalah special as tu adalah anak last for their type. Anak last for boy/girl. Dan anak bongsu special la, sebab last.

If in siblings, ada jantina anak yang sama, boy/boy or girl/girl, the first one, special sebab jadi yang first. And the last one, special sebab jadi last in their kategori. Make senses? No?

And bila anak 4/5/6/7/8/9, kadang-kadang yang tengah tu macam kurang special. And kita macam kurang bagi attention to them as ada anak sulung dan bongsu in each kategori yang demand extra attention. Attention-seeker orang kata. And usually, the middle ones akan bawa diri.

And parents will feel bad sebab abaikan anak tengah. And they'll tend to pretend that they loves their children secara sama rata. Sorry. My keyboard doesnt works properly. The letter next to 'W' cant be used. So, kita guna sama rata. Bukan e*missingletter*ually.

Betul?

Tak betul?

Tu my opinion.

Yes. Kasih sayang ibu bapa terhadap setiap anak-anak adalah berbeza and of course, they love them all. Dah pun namanya anak sendiri kan? Tapi the result, is not the same.. Tu yang anak tengah, more like tough. And actually, they're more manja than they're showed. Believe me. My husband is anak tengah and he's one big manja boy. You ingat perangai manja the kecik tu turun daripada siapa? The father. The mother baik. Sebab am used of being manja. And being a wife and mother changed me to a tough person (kinda). Tiba-tiba boleh angkat anak 15kgs non-stop for 2hours. Walhal sebelum ni, nak angkat gula sekilo pun dah bising. Semua my mak abah yang buat.

In other word, the husband loves being pampered. Standard kebangsaan la tu. Dengan siapa lagi nak manja kan? = p

So, I tak nak if ada my anak-anak yang terasa hati. Am afraid of breaking their hearts. Afraid of knowing them crying softly at nights. Afraid of the middle ones always feel insecure sebab ada adik-beradik yang lagi dapat attention from us.

I know. I shouldnt feel that way. I just cant help it. I want to love them all. Sama. I want to feel the vibrate of having the first one. Monthly checkups and all. Tak kan lah anak masuk 2/3/4/5/6/7/8 and so on, maka, jumlah regular checkups adalah berkurangan. Hipotesis. Semakin bertambah jumlah anak, semakin berkurang jumlah lawatan ke klinik bagi setiap bulan bagi tempoh kandungan 9 bulan.

See..

It's not nice.

Macam, we're not excited having the other ones. Ni yang I tengok la kan. If ada yang check up memang tak tinggal, tu ok la kan.

And I dont want my kids sharing clothes. Macam kesian je.. Yang first dapat baru. Yang second, dapat second hand.. Ye. Orang kata jangan membazir. Dah tu, maksudnya the ki(s) after No 1 tu memang rezeki depa dapat 2nd hand things je la? Bukan ke setiap anak tu adalah rezeki yang tak ternilai? So, they deserved the same things like the first one, kan?

Okay. Sayang, I know that sayang can afford all of that. If ada anak yang lain, and me being bagi kurang kasih sayang and attention to the other one, I know that my husband can fill it for me.

I know that my husband can provided anything for our kid(s). Masa or duit it's not the big things as knowing my better half, the husband will cherish every new born. It's the gifts to us.

Tapi, one thing that, for this current moment, I dont think the husband can provide this.

The time for always be with us.

Masa the kecik 1st crawling, my sayang was there with me. He's the one yang hold the kecik and tiba-tiba the kecik crawled to me. We're at Penang at that time. The kecik's first tooth, at Johore. Yes. My sayang was there. The kecik first step? At our beloved home, W. And yes, the husband was there too. The kecik first steps yang pusing satu rumah at W, yes, ada juga. The moment, my heart broke to pieces seeing the kecik, he was there. With me.

And imagine that if ada anak lain, and the husband will only hear from me..

: Yang, tadi anak dah jalan sendiri.

: Tadi kan yang, anak dah merangkak.

: Tadi kan, dia sebut 'Daddy'.

Those little things. I want my husband be there with me. Watching it. And it's worst if the husband watching those little things of our juniors while I was busy with something else.

It's just not right.

Dengan pergi pagi balik malam situation (even satu hari je pun haaa), I just dont agree with that. Watching your kid(s) growing up together can do lots of wonder. Alone? Dont do much.

And yes. I want my whole pantang at my mak abah's house. Cik Esah, please, keep your lame excuses for other. I need my mak abah for any pantang in the future. I dont want to break my heart. Again.

You got it now, sayang?

I would love to see my future with our own kids. Ramai-ramai mesti seronok. Tapi rasa belum sampai. Rasa tersekat somewhere I still cant defined.

I've told you before. If I can change everything, I'll give you all the things that you love before. Up till now, I assumed. It's just that, I need to see the more of you. You can do better than before. Obviously I cant change the past. I cant bring them to the present. Still am hoping to see them in our future.

Getting what you go after is success; but liking it while you are getting it is happiness. That's your word kan?

And that's you, sayang.

I love you because you're in love with what you're doing. Not just chasing the ending. I would love that and mixed with the current we have at the very moment.

I love you.

Raising kid(s) and being with you, extra happiness for me. I know the kecik enjoying that very moment too.

So, soalan sekarang.

You sayang I?