Few days ago, the kecik was trying to wear his clothes when he suddenly said, : Mommy, memang stress lah thauffiee ni. Me, : Hah? Stress? (dlm kepala mana lah budak bertuah ni belajar perkataan stress neh) Him, : Iye lah. Stress macam mana nak pakai baju ni. Alahaiii budak bertuah, I blame Fox and StarWorld for the word stress. Sebab mommy dia pandai sebut serabut je. Hee. And semalam, honestly I'm so stress out. Sending the hubby off to somewhere again. I rasa tahun ni yang paling banyak travel is my husband, not the kecik and me. Which really made me sad. To be honest, I cried yesterday after sending him at the airport. Either I already miss my other half or I just really need a holiday just by myself. At one point, I jadi serabuttt sangat with everything. Dah lah before the husband fly off, the kecik and hubby 'gaduh' pasal apa entah. Two boys, they always one moment on same page and the next few minutes yang sorang kata tak boleh and other menangis. How????!!!??? To count lucky, I ni kira okay lah kot anak baru seorang tapi honestly, bila anak sorang pun, tapi you got nothing to do, it will stress you out. I told my husband at the departure gate, 'next week I want a holiday, gi shopping, one week, korang dua orang duk rumah, orang stress neh'. And hubby laugh at me. Ingat memain ke apa.. Haihh.. I'm one of the person who cant stay long doing nothing. And stress makin memuncak bila tengok perut buncit semacam, bukan pregnant pun. I miss KL. Or any other place that I can just go to the malls and window shopping. I want jalan-jalan belek-belek stuff so much! I hate sitting around do nothing even I have house chores to do. Today, I woke up and feeling still sober. Going out and having lepak time with friends, tadi happy lah jugak, now jadi sedih balik. I keep telling myself, Allah plan is the great one. Allah give you what you need, not what you want. InsyaAllah one day, your time will come. I keep repeating this mantra on my mind, hopefully it'll sink to my heart and mind, sekejap je lah terkesan lepas tu sedih blk. Then claming myself again then sedih balik and the routine repeated again. No. It's not about pregnancy, it's something else. About things that I want to do it so badly, but when Allah gv me the sign of not now, but later, insyaAllah, I became hopeless. What a bad person I am. Recheck recheck recheck. Dengan harapan bila tulis, secara tanpa sedar diri tu tersedar. Perhaps other way first, yea.. Maybe.. I wrote this one last few weeks at my fb, finding what you gonna do in life by finding your soul. Now I know, my soul is not strong enough yet. Sebab Allah 'halang' sikit je dah hancur luluh, what if there's more big obstacle in the future? I told myself I'm ready tapi now I still hancur luluh. Well, not like hancur luluh masa I got my first pregnancy test as negative result, no, this is more like, haihhh, should I gv up? Should I? I want them so badly, if Allah permudahkan segala urusan at the beginning, insyaAllah I'll do it with all my heart. I want to do good things to other, I want to help the people and community, I want lend people hand because I know how hard it was when you hv nothing and you need help from everyone but no one gonna help you. I know that feeling and I want to help them so badly. It's time to give back to community. Do great things for the future and for my kid (s if any). Ya Allah, Show me the way. Permudahkanlah jalan dan urusan hambaMu ini. Grant me some light, Ya Allah. Keep me one the right track to gv back to people, hanya Allah Yang Maha Bijaksana dan Maha Memberi lagi Maha Mengetahui mengenai semua alam. Amin. Moga hati tak lagi bersedih