The worst part of it, you've lost your trust.

The last time I felt it, years ago. Long before I'd the kecik. And today, I feel it again.

It hurts.
Especially when it's involving something that you really don't like. Jauh mana tahap tak suka tu? Jauhhh sangat. Pendek kata, boleh perang, sampai bungkus kain baju, pindah semua.

Contoh, ini contoh ye, belum tentu lagi ada kena mengena dengan hidup dan mati.

I've grown up with environment yang all my brothers are heavy smokers. Abah used to tapi he stop smoking wayy before I was born. Now, he's totally clean. Alhamdulillah. Orang kata, if one girl is going to get married, she'll find a partner yang ada ciri-ciri macam her father or her brother(s).

Bila I tau Pok Mat hisap rokok, I was damn frustrated. Sebab dekat rumah I dengan dia je. When he's doing something that Abah doesn't like anymore, I'm sad. Lama-lama Abah pun macam dah malas cara (it's the other way of, you dah besar, ikut suka you lah!), haa, gitu.

Honestly, I never interested with boys yang smoking. Apatah lagi nak suka and jatuh chenta. I always hv a dream that my future partner should be smoke free.

And I got married.
My husband is not a smoker. 'Pernah hisap rokok?' when I asked him. And he said, 'Pernah tapi tak suka'. Pernah pun sebab nak cuba.

Okay. With that answer, you're passed to be in love with. To build future life together.

He might be not a heavy smoker but his friends are. I rasa, kalau appointment, berkepuk asap. And that's one of the reasons, why I never like that person. Do you know that you're passing the disease to my husband? Do you? Sia-sia belajar tinggi, tapi etika pun tak ada. Smoke jauh-jauh sikit? Jangan nak duk sebelah orang yang tak hisap?

End of that.
I'm pregnant.

Luckily my son is okay even bila duk keluar with my husband's friends yang kaki berasap, takde pulak effect to my baby.

Tapi.
Bila ada anak, kadang-kadang I rasa macam nak hempuk je manusia-manusia ni.

You tau kan tu kids? Yang biar asap tu kena budak tu kenapa? Kenapa? Cer hisap jauh-jauh sikit. Or move aside. Ni makin duk tala. Kadang-kadang bila I jalan nak gi makan pizza, and staff kedai furniture tu berasap, macam buat dekk je anak gua and gua lalu ni, nak je I ambil pasu bunga tu hempuk dekat dia.

Time flies and people changes.

One by one I saw the people I love, suddenly jadi heavy smokers. Muda tua, cantik, handsome, huduh, semua ada. I never support them. Bak kata Hafidz, start dah tu laser dia. Haah. Memang. Because he's my best friend (eh, yeke? Hahaha). Still, I really appreciate it if you don't smoke in front of my baby.

You see, when you see someone you love and care, daripada dulu, from their size, besar lengan, till berapa kaki dah tinggi nya, yang tiba-tiba jadi smoker, it's break your heart. Really. It's do. Or if your not pecah berderai like mine, I do. Mine already hancur pecah berkecai. Tapi I gathered myself, buat macam tak nampak. Buat macam tak tau. I tahu tapi I pretend that I don't know. I don't want to break down in middle of the highway. Pernah terjadi and the kecik keep asking me, why mommy, why. Masa tu bukan pasal hisap rokok or anything, something else.

I'm the youngest and I'm extra fragile.

So, bila one by one dah start hisap rokok, I'm holding to this one thing, it's okay. My husband didn't. The person I have my syurga with under his kaki.

Andai kata the husband smoking, even one, it'll break my heart. Apatah lagi if hisap berkotak-kotak. It'll break mine. It'll break so hard that you can't even glue it again. Dah lah pecah, ibarat macam kena ketuk dengan hammer pulak lepas tu. And sadly to said, trust will be no more. Mungkin ada tapi it will not be the same.

Mungkin orang nampak simple, ala, rokok je. Tapi not for me. I want something clean for my body and for my kid(s). For me, anyone can resist smoking habit (sikit atau banyak) in this dunia yang makin banyak pancaroba, that person is soooo tough. And I admired them. Please admire me too sebab I don't do smoke. Haha.

Sungguh.
Orang kata, itu tak penting. Orang kata, bukan I kata.

Orang kata, tudung tak penting, yang penting hati.

Tapi cuba if you stand by seorang yang tak pakai tudung and seorang yang pakai tudung in one function (especially majlis agama), mesti the one yg tak pakai tu segan. Tambah segan bila selawat pun tak fasih.

Orang kata, I tak solat, I tak ikut suruhan Allah, yet, I've everything. Great job, big home and car.

So?

Itu orang.
Bukan I.

Yes.
Hati dalam yang penting. Tapi, in my case, my case ye, please, if you want to keep your charismatic on front of me, please don't smoke. If one day, the kecik besar hisap rokok, memang I bambu dia. Biar. Tak ada siapa suruh, memandai nak buat.

Andai kata the husband, smoking behind my back. My fav quote for him will be,

You hisap rokok?
You suka if I hisap rokok juga?

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